Before forming a life, it is better for couples to examine their goals and decisions in the future and explain their opinions and thoughts to each other, measure each other’s mood and behavior, and then form their life together so that in the years to come Do not get married
Author: Dr. Azam Salehi (family counselor and academic faculty member of Payam Noor University)
Unfortunately, many girls and boys still do not mention their attitude and expectations towards sex during pre-marital conversations. If a girl and a boy who have even set a date for their marriage are asked: “Have you talked to each other about sex or not?” In most cases, they say: “No, we didn’t think it was important” or they say: “We have postponed this kind of conversation until after marriage, because after marriage, we can more easily talk about Let’s talk to it.
They do not know that such talks are related to before the final decision for marriage, not after marriage. Do you also believe that the conversation about sex should be postponed until after marriage? Isn’t it too late for such conversations after marriage? What is the solution if the spouses find out after marriage that they do not have a sexual agreement with each other? Can they easily reconsider their marriage?
The relationship between husband and wife is a special relationship and different from other social, friendship and family relationships. This relationship has four bases, and the presence of serious problems in each of these bases, the ineffectiveness of the couple’s efforts in correcting these problems, and the couple’s disappointment or giving up trying to solve them, can be a serious threat to the health and future of the couple’s relationship. come to account The main foundations of a marital relationship are:
– Framework (similar features and conditions)
– Interest and emotional relationship
Commitment and sense of responsibility
Recently, in Iran, a shocking statistic has been obtained about the marital status of couples on the verge of divorce. Some researchers have shown that one of the reasons for the increasing number of divorces in Iran, where previously the divorce rate was very low compared to other countries (especially America and Europe), is the existence of sexual problems and the negative attitude of women. or the man is relative to it. According to the research findings, the failure to meet sexual expectations in married life can lead to the coldness of the couple’s relationship, sexual deviations and other disorders, and ultimately lead to a request for divorce from the other party.
In the third family and sexual health congress, it was announced that 50 to 60 percent of divorces occur due to sexual problems and disorders. Also, in a research conducted at Qom University of Medical Sciences in Tehran, it was found that more than 67% of women about to divorce declared that they did not want to have sex with their husbands during their life together, 63% after the relationship. sexually, felt angry and 71% of them did not enjoy their relationship with their spouse.
Unfortunately, in many marriages (especially in our country), due to the fact that sexual issues are considered taboos and taboos, discussion and discussion about it is forgotten. Especially in most traditional marriages, both parties and families pay the most attention to cultural and family similarities and… turns Of course, these things determine the framework of marriage and are very important, but in these marriages, two of the most important foundations of marriage, namely emotional and sexual relationship, are usually forgotten. Even in many of today’s love marriages, the girl and boy are so involved in the romantic (emotional) relationship that they forget to talk about the expectations and attitudes of both parties regarding sexual matters.
Is it possible to predict the existence of satisfactory sex before marriage?
In many cultures, having sex before marriage is not acceptable. For this reason, many girls and boys have never experienced sex before marriage and they do not have the possibility to experience sex with their future spouse. Now the question is, can they get information about themselves and the other party in this area without having such experience? The answer is that before marriage, it is necessary for boys and girls to receive education about sex through reading and talking to qualified people, and they can evaluate their attitudes, expectations and desire towards sex to some extent. .
Here are some tips through which spouses can get more information about sex after their marriage. When the future spouses have agreed on most of their criteria with the other party, it is necessary to put aside the shame and embarrassment and devote meetings to talking about sex. Considering that it is not easy for people to talk about this topic, or they may not have enough insight into their temperament, it is better to get help from family counselors for this.
In pre-marital conversations, girls and boys should:
1- Ask each other about opinions and attitudes related to sex.
Unfortunately, the negative attitude towards sex still exists in many young people (especially girls). The reasons for this attitude are mainly related to culture, family upbringing, false beliefs, bitter sexual experiences of people around, seeing and hearing about unfortunate sexual incidents, the influence of people around and friends, and past sexual experiences (especially during childhood).
A person who has a negative attitude towards sex can hardly have sex with his wife after marriage and enjoy this relationship. Of course, this attitude can be changed, and in this way, the first step is to motivate the person to change. But in some special cases, this change is not possible without psychotherapy. The important point is that one should not get married in the hope that the attitude of the other party will change, but this change must have started before marriage.
2- Talk to each other about what they have learned and heard about sexual matters as much as possible.
Believe me, still some girls and boys about to get married (especially girls) do not have the slightest knowledge about sexual matters. While desire, maturity and sexual readiness are one of the most important conditions for marriage. Reading, watching some educational videos, talking with successful married people and getting counseling before marriage can be useful in enriching sexual knowledge.
3- Talk to each other about the level of passion and desire for sex and its importance.
Each person’s level of desire and desire for sex is different. Some people have more enthusiasm and some less enthusiasm for this relationship. The desire to have sex in people varies from several times a day to once a year. The difference between people in the level of sexual desire is due to both physical or hormonal differences and psychological characteristics of people. Now imagine that the sexual desire of one of the couple is very high and the opposite partner is very low. Definitely, this difference endangers the satisfaction and marital health of such a couple.
4- Talk to each other about their sexual expectations and tastes as much as possible.
It is true that normal and normal sex happens in almost the same way in all humans, but each person has certain expectations and tastes in sex. Nowadays, a lot of diversity can be seen in human sexual behavior, while in the past this behavior was simpler. Therefore, more than in the past, it is necessary for today’s couples to interact and talk about this behavior with each other.
It is important that husband and wife agree on these expectations. Many spouses have conflicts due to different and conflicting sexual tastes, and experience has shown that although these expectations can be modified and changed to some extent, they do not change completely, and a husband or wife whose expectations are met in sexual matters He may feel frustrated, and this frustration may lead to coldness in the relationship or moral errors.
In addition, it is necessary for the husband and wife to agree on the boundaries of sexual relations after marriage. What is meant by the margin of sexual relations is the opinion of people about the favorable factors for starting and continuing sexual relations. Such as: how to have emotional conversations, caressing and touching before intercourse, the best place and atmosphere for establishing a relationship, etc.
5- As much as possible, talk to each other about each other’s beliefs about sexual and emotional fidelity.
One of the issues and problems of some young couples today is the neglect of some moral, emotional and sexual obligations in married life by one or both spouses, which can lead to severe differences and irreparable crises in their joint life. to be Before marriage, it is necessary for two people to know each other’s opinions about sexual and moral obligations.